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September 10 Hurricane Season....I'm alive.... just distracted with a very active "Hurricane" season.... the bitch is taking us back to court for the 4th time this year.... But I'm so tired of it I finally hired a high priced lawyer for Big D to take her to the cleaners... paybacks are a bitch! I'll catch up soon.... in the meantime enjoy this humorous snippet from none other than Senator Larry Craig... the bathroom dweller.... take note of the smile on his face.
August 14 Ouch!.....WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
Do they really have a problem with people sitting on this fence? Maybe. August 02 Wanna Tour....11:30 AM - Arrive at LAX
12:00 PM - Pick up rental car
12:30 PM - Get on the 405 South
1:00 PM - Take the Beach Blvd exit through Huntington Beach
1:20 PM - Stop off at Pavillions Grocery store, load up on beer, a few bottles of wine, etc.
1:30 PM - Get onto the Pacific Coast Highway
2:00 PM - Take Newport Blvd into Newport
2:30 PM - Arrive at The Crab Cooker
2:45 PM - Lunch of broiled lobster, coleslaw, cheese potatoes, and beer
3:30 PM - Head to the Newport Pier and sit my ass on the beach
4:00 PM - Drink more beer
6:00 PM - Check into Hotel, shower, & "nap"
8:30 PM - Dinner at Las Brisas in Laguna
10:00 PM - Walk on the beach
This is all courtesy of "The Harlot Fund"
Hope your weekend is as good as mine.
July 30 The Evil Twin......What kind of person would look at another person's myspace page and get a feeling of satisfaction and a smile when I see that
their mood on Friday was pessimistic,
the mood on Saturday was sad and
the mood on Sunday was sick???....
I would that's who... ha ha hee hee ho ho... "The Hurricane" was pessimistic, sad, and sick all weekend.... and that gives me a sense of satisfaction.... may she dwell in her own personal hell!
I, on the other hand had a wonderful weekend.... Big D took kids Y & Z camping on Friday and I stayed behind with kid X so she could catch a ride with my SIL to spend a couple of weeks with grandma and grandpa. I was going to join Big D on Saturday afternoon and the more I thought about the quiet solitude at home with NO KIDS... I called him and let him know that I was staying home... all ALONE... just me and the dogs.
Did some shopping, bought new barstools, and a couple of sets of new sateen sheets that were on sale... if you've never tried a 310 thread count sateen sheet...go get a set right now.... once you go sateen, you never go back. I then sat on my porch with a nice vodka soda and read The Wall Street Journal... Helloooo... I never get to do this... ever! Had a neighbor friend over for dinner, drank a lot of red wine... a lot... and laid in bed until noon watching Food Netowrk.... my neighbors don't call me Channel 40 for nothing.
Damn I hate it when good things come to an end! July 26 Club D is Now Closed......The Tiki Torches are going into storage for awhile. We finally finished our yard this Spring complete with sod, a nice flagstone patio, a grand old picnic table and the coolest fire pit you've ever seen... so we have spent a whole lot of time in the yard this summer because it has been so hot.. problem is... all of our neighbors enjoy it way too much too. I don't know how it happens... we light the tiki torches, fire up the grill and the fire pit... and we end up with 15 people in our yard... eating and drinking.... they all now refer to our house as "Club D."
I reached my breaking point this week when Monday night (it was a state holiday on Tuesday) Big D and I decided that we'd grill up a bison burger with some cauliflower and spinach.... then I realized that I also had chicken breasts marinating that had to be cooked so I invited my neighbor R over for chicken since she's currently unemployed and having a hard time... Before I knew it her friends showed up and the neighbors to the north and their friends mozied on over and as soon as that bison burger hit the table it was gone... and when I went into the house to get a glass of wine.... the entire brand new box of Black Box wine was gone (trust me, I'm not a boxed wine drinker but there are some new brands on the market that are actually quite good) this was a box the equivelant of 4 bottles... GONZO.... and we stayed up until 1:30 and granted had a great time.... but I can't take any more hangovers and can't afford to feed all of the mooches... so Club D is closed for awhile. I love my neighbors and love to entertain and have people over and love to cook... but God Damn it.... don't eat my bison burger!
Before I end... I just want to reaffirm that "The Hurricane" is a crazy bitch and a bad mother... yesterday Kids Y & Z came home from spending their alotted time with their mother. For the holiday on Tuesday she took them boating with some friends to the lake.... with no sunscreen... they spent the day on a boat in the lake with no sunscreen on. They are both fried and Kid Y came home with a temp of 102 and cramping... a little sunstroke and sunburn... I am so pissed off I could go "stepmonster" on her.... and maybe I will.
Sorry... this was boring but my creativity is in storage with the tiki torches.
July 18 SUMMER BREAK MY ASS......I have no excuse, no reason, no rhyme as to why I haven't been back... just couldn't get to it. I don't know why in the hell they call this Summer break... because it certainly hasn't been a break for me. We're busier than ever.
The kids got out of school on June 1st.... I was "balls to the wall" for the gala on June 10th which, by the way, had a $35,000 increase in profits over last year.
Two days after we all set off for the "ROAD TRIP FROM HELL"..... 10 days in the car to go to Big D's family/hometown/school reunion in the depths of Minnesota in a town with the total population of 806.... we traveled through Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, Nebraska, South Dakota, and Minnesota.... how many road trips include Yellowstone Park, Mt. Rushmore, and grandma's house all in one. I could write 14 blog entries just surrounding the family dynamics and weird shit I experienced but I really don't want to live through that again. Got that over with now I don't have to go visit the family in-law for at least the next 5 years.
Glad to be home only to return to chaos.... we arrived home with loads of dirty clothes and what happens??? Of course, the washing machine decides to shit the bed.... and Sears can't get the new model we want for a week....dumbasses.... then a week after replacing the washer... the f'ing dryer takes a hike... get the new dryer delivered.... it doesn't work. Sear's said we could bring it back and get another... no damn way... you come get this thing and bring a new one... we just spent $1500 on damn appliances there... so they bring another one... hook it up and... nothing.... so it turns out that we are the dumbasses and the 220 outlet for the dryer was not working.... anyone need a dryer?
The SUmmer kid crap is worse than during the school year... we have summer swimming camp on M, W, & F.... Kid Z has social skills class (a class for kids that can't keep their damn hands to themselves) and baseball on M & W, Kid Y has Gymnastics on W & F, kids X, Y, & Z have track on T, W, & Th... by God... I still have to work.... I did, however, finally get my Volvo station wagon so I can truly be a soccer mom... doesn'tmean I have to like it.... there's a third seat in the back for Kid Z so he cannot torment the girls... the seats are so high that he cannot even reach over... awesome!
I have had one major run-in with "The Hurricane" in which it ended with her saying "fuck you" and I called her a "crazy bitch"... we have been to court once..... a hearing she requested in attempts to get joint custody and to have all of her court ordered restrictions lifted.... the main restriction she wanted lifted was to have the ability to have the kids around her new boyfriend... which she is currently prohibited from doing. Problem is.... she already has had the kids around this dude.... she was going to court asking for restrictions to be lifted that she is already violating... stupid ass judge should've held her in contempt but he just denied all of her requests... she appealed and now we go back to court again in August. SOme days I think that all of the negativity we get to direct at her is a good thing but she is by far the biggest problem that we have in the family... and if it were not her it might be something else.... I still for the life of me cannot imagine what Big D was thinking when he married her...... not only is she crazy but she looks like a combination of a monkey and Liza Minelli.
Let's see... what else? We are taking our first "Harlot Fund" trip to Southern California in August.... we have $750 in the fund... Woo Hoo... I call that one big win win.
We finally got our yard done.... sod, patio, fire pit, flowers, garden... the works. We've had 5 dinner/BBQ parties with friends and neighbors... and lots of beer.... Did you know that you can cook 3 pork roasts with BBQ sauce in a pressure cooker for 30 minutes and have kick ass BBQ pork sandwiches?
I have purchased two new paintings.... I know I'm crazy...I just don't know how else to be.
My mom thinks I'm nuts.... I just tell her that it's her fault.
June 25 I'm Baaaack......I'm sorta back..... diggin through all of the shit that I put aside for the past month. I'm going to go visit for awhile and then come back with all of the dirty details. May 17 God Help Me...I have our Annual gala in 3 weeks.... it's all my responsibility and is the largest fundraising event of the year for our organization.... so I will be scarce.... if not in the looney bin.
May 08 Damn Busy....Too damn busy to hang out right now so I will leave this bit of entertainment....
May 02 My True Love....My True Love....
Showers me with kisses when I walk through the door....
My True Love....
Always treats me with respect.....
My True Love.....
Makes me happy with first sight....
My True Love....
Never complains or argues....
My True Love...
Wakes me in the morning by laying on my back and kissing my neck...
My true love....
Has the most beautiful black hair....
My true love...
Loves me no matter what.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
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May 01 Told ya so...I told you I was a big meany stepmom.... for my birthday Big D had all of the kids x, y, & z make cards for me. Kid X, my daughter, wrote a nice card telling me that I was the best mom in the world and that she loves me and when can she get her TV privileges back..not really but that was the question I got after I hugged her. Kid Z just drew a picture of a fish and of a guy with his tongue hanging out.... guess that means happy birthday... and this is the card I got from Kid Y.....
The front of the card says.. HAP-PEE B-Day
with a nice picture of a smiley face on a toilet...(kinda creative)
the inside reads...
I love you very much and when I'm with you I am happy
You are a great stepmom and thank you for everything you do....
Sometimes you can be grumpy....
like on Monday mornings and other days...
you get frustrated when you are asked a lot of questions...
Sometimes you can be like Frosty the Snowman...
all happy and jolly....
But you are always funnier than my dad....
Still trying to decipher the true meaning of this little card...I suppose I can take it as a compliment..... silly kids.
April 27 Happy Birthday to Me....It's my birthday....
And I can cry if I want to....
It's my birthday....
Next year I'll be forty-two....
And with that....
I'll just leave you with this song....
Middle aged woman. April 20 The Brady Bunch.....Oh what a wonderful and fun show the Brady Bunch was.... and such wonderful kids.... and what a kickass housekeeper they had. It made all of us growing up in the 70's realize that divorce wasn't such a bad thing, you can just get remarried and have lots of children together and live happily ever after.
However, I have just stumbled upon a few missing episodes of The Brady Bunch.... they must've been misplaced or perhaps they were hidden because there was just too much reality that wouldn't leave the viewers with such a happy wonderful feeling.....
Episode One: In the Beginning....
After years of a divorce and custody battle with Mike's ex-wife, whom we shall call "Stormy", Mike and Carol decided that it would just make wonderful sense to buy a home together rather than maintain two separate households and it would probably be cheaper too.... and it will be wonderful.
Mike and Carol buy a wonderful old home with lots of character in the most wonderful neighborhood and it is wonderful. Come month two in the wonderful home, Mike gets hit with a judgement from "Stormy," who strangely appears only in the missing episodes, she claims that he owes back child support, even though he has custody, and files to get alimony. That's okay Carol says... don't you fret sweatheart, I'll cover the mortgage and all of the household bills so you can continue to provide "Stormy" with the life she deserves... and please darling don't worry about going to court to enforce the court order that states she must pay half of all day care, half of all medical expenses, and half of extracurricular activities. Carol says.... it's okay honey... I know "Stormy" doesn't work, even though she has a Masters, and she shouldn't have to because looking for dates online takes up so much time.
This episode ends one night as Carol does finally blow her stack after she had too many glasses of red wine.
Episode 2: Wonderful Dreams....
Carol has a wonderful nights sleep filled with wonderful dreams but suddenly wakes and realizes that those dreams of having Alice the housekeeper was only a dream. Carol does not have a housekeeper and must do all of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and children's homework herself. The rest of this episode is filled with piles and piles of dirty laundry, baskets of clean laundry, and folded clothing all over the dining room table; piles and piles of pots, pans, and dishes in the sinking with the dishwasher running at full capacity at all times; and ends with Carol screaming at the kids to pick up their shoes. As she goes to bed she hopes to again dream of Alice the housekeeper.
Episode 3: The System....
This episode starts one wonderful evening as Mike and Carol are sitting at the kitchen table with Jan and Bobby, Cindy is having a sleepover with "Stormy," they are having a wonderful time playing a game of UNO. Then there is a knock knock at the door... oh who could it be? Oh my goodness, it's the nice city police men, 3 of them, standing on the porch with their hands on their guns.....
"Is Mike Brady home?" yes replies Carol "Is Bobby Brady home?" yes replies Carol... what could be the problem? We've had a report of child abuse and need to come in and speak to you. Oh sure Officers.... he's right here at the table playing a dangerous game of UNO.... it's a good thing you got here in time because Bobby is ready to whoop every one's ass at the game..... thank you for saving us.
This episode ends with the revelation that while Cindy was staying with "Stormy" she heard wonderful stories about living with "Stormy" again and that if she would help mommy and call the police on Mike, her daddy, Bobby and Cindy and "Stormy" could all live happily ever after and take a fun fun trip to Disneyland.... naughty naughty "Stormy"
This is all we have time for today folks... but there are several more episodes to share.
Upcoming episodes include:
Carol's gets some "Happy Pills"
Mike's Wonderful Garden Adventures
Bobby and the crotchless chicken costume
And... How'd we all end up with the same last name?
April 16 Spring has sprung....And I'm not talking tulips here.... I'm talking about all of the funky people that come out of hibernation when the sun begins to shine. We live in a great old historical neighborhood that is filled with hundred+ year old houses; includes the Governor's mansion and the state capitol; we have a Tibetan, a Pakistani, a Thai, and a Greek restaurant within walking distance; not to mention an artisan bakery and about 4 different coffee houses. Although we are not right downtown, the downtown city center is less than a mile away. The homeless shelter is about 2 miles away.... and lots of the people who live there travel to the Catholic Diocese just down the street for lunch boxes that they provide to anyone who wants one... then they trudge on into our neighborhood on the way to the liquor store across the street from our house.... I know, I know, many of you would say Oooooh scary but these are not people I worry too much about.... they just want to hang outside and have a drink or two or three... the hard core dudes I would worry about stay downtown and hang out in the park where drugs are plentiful.
So... my first story is Chuck... this is what I found when I came home on Friday.
I had never seen this guy before so I got my trusty old lab to come with me to check him out to make sure he was breathing... yep, sure enough he was a snoring away so I just left him there to finish his nap... I guess he stopped off after a trip to the liquor store and was going to head back over for some groceries after his rest. About an hour later he started to stir so I went and asked him if he was okay and then I told him needed to leave and go sleep on the church lawn or something but not in our yard... he was cool but was all disturbed that he couldn't find his backpack. He left and then on Saturday I found his backpack in the neighbor's yard and I tracked this dude down, sure enough, on the grass of the diocese and I gave him his backpack.... made Chuck's day.
One of our favorite past times in the Spring and Summer is grabbing a cold beer and sitting on the front porch to watch the donation bin divers, God isn't married life great, there is a donation bin for Big Brothers Big Sisters across the street by the grocery store and it almost never fails.... every day there is someone digging through it looking for treasures. Big D and I just sit there and watch and then we run over and take their picture.... this is my favorite one...
This woman is a regular.... she hauls basketloads of stuff out of there.... I suppose she needs new clothing to go out with her johns down by the shelter.... she's a regular solicitor (is that a word). When Big D took this picture, as her legs were hanging out of the bin, he asked if he could help her with something... and with a gleam in her eye said... "Oh would you"... and he said "hell no, now get out of here." We're pretty protective of our bins.
This next dude, titled "The Muscle Diver" was a big dude that pulled his truck up to the bin and when we went to take his picture he ran away like a scared puppy.... as we shouted.... got your license plate too asshole...... you're not gonna get away with stealing from BBBS.
This will be so much fun this year to see what kind of fun pictures we can collect. I will try desperately to get a pic of Freddy who is the regular "pisser" on the church across from my office (my office is only 4 blocks away from home) he frequents the liquor store too and really like Milwaukee's Best for breakfast.
I must also get a pic of Bertha.... he is a man that doesn't even try to look like a woman but every time I see him he's wearing a flowered skirt and a blue shirt... along with a pair of moon boots.....
There's Buck who paces up and down the street... he's schizoprenic and doesn't take his meds... he's afraid of our dogs so he doesn't loiter long... he goes on down to Phil's house down the street and sits on his patio.
There's "no driver's license dude" I call him this because years ago I witnessed him going into a 7-eleven and purchasing a twelve pack... he could barely walk and he got into his car to drive away... I called the police and tracked him and I have never seen him driving since. NDLD walks to the liquor store and yells at the trees along the way... he's afraid of our dogs too so he crosses the street to walk in front of our house so he doesn't have to walk past.
I'm sure this list will grow as the weather changes... I love my neighborhood.....vagabonds and all. April 11 Hell No.....That was my response when Big D asked me if I was still taking Monday and Tuesday off of work, that I had taken off for our cancelled road trip, since the kids were going to be home all week on Spring break. NO WAY MAN.... I'm going to work... you can stay home with the kids..... alrighty then. Needless to say I came home to a disaster because Big D was working on putting in our sprinkling system, but that was okay.... I didn't have to be home all day with a bunch of wall bouncing screaming little freaks.
I must clarify something after my last rant... Big D is not a lazy man... he always does his share around the house... granted, he could do more... but he has spent the last two weeks putting in the sprinkling system for our front yard. He has been working his ass off... so I give him a pass on the cooking and cleaning as long as he has the energy left to work on the Harlot Fund.
I'm going to reveal a few things about myself in this entry... I try not to do that because I don't want to be identified by certain unnamed "Hurricanes" but screw it... she can eat my shorts.
I am an absolute color freak.... I must have color going everywhere... my entry way is orange, my living room is lime green, my dining room is bright red with one hot pink wall, my kitchen is yellow.... and the hall to my downstairs bathroom is now polka dotted... I know it sounds strange but that is why we call it the "Happy House" and when you see the hallway... keep in mind that I'm not quite done with it... and check out my toaster.... and then you can see my dining room chairs... it was a dining room set that Big D brought to the arrangement... I hated it so rather than trashing it... I decided to paint the chairs all different colors (the red chair is missing... it's just primered) and the table white... it'll do for now.
This is my favorite bowl.....
Favorite Paintings....
I just bought this painting today at a benefit that included an art show... this artist is incredible... and this painting is aptly named "Exhausted" and I think I will put it over my bed to help me sleep better... the lime green and the aqua blue in this painting are the same colors as the walls in my bedroom... Call me crazy... and you'd be right.
Anyhoo... that's enough self revelation for today...
gotta go finish the polka dots...... and remember
"It is never too late to be who you might have been." George Eliot
April 06 I AM the Wicked Stepmother......I am now, officially, the Wicked Stepmother. After spending last weekend cleaning... and I mean cleaning... this house is never all clean at once but my anti-depressants must be working because I polished this place from top to bottom and I even painted a black chest of drawer yellow and a white wall with polka dots.
Kids Y & Z returned on Sunday and Kid X didn't do squat all weekend... so when Kids Y & Z returned the shit began to fly. They run into the house like a whirlwind with shoes a flying, jackets dropped, and book bags left in the middle of the damn floor.
Kid Y asks where her iPod is.... "I don't know, where did you leave it?" ... her response.... "the last time I saw it, it was on the table".... great pause..... my response.... "and why do you think it would still be on the table? did I not warn all of you about leaving your shit on the table?" I had taken it and put it away several days prior.
Kid Z then not only walks over a pile of clean folded towels on the stairs, put there as a trap to see if anyone would stop and pick them up to put them away, and not only did he not pick them up but knocked them down the stairs and continued on to his room to play the GameCube.
Kid X freaked out when I asked her why the clean and folded clothes that she was asked to take to her room and put away was in a heap on her bedroom floor and then I informed her that the TV was off limits for the night and I got a total meltdown in response.... "Ohhhhh I hate this house... I hate the kids... you never used to get mad at me when it was just me and you."
Kid Y asks.... "where are my Heely's"..... and I say "where were they last".... and she replies... "I left them in the mudroom".... my response... " and why do you think they would still be there... they are put away to teach you a lesson."
Monday morn as we're trying to get off to school.... Kid z punched Kid X and when picked up from school it was reported that he also punched another kid and pulled a chair out from underneath another kid.... "can't reward this behavior."
The next morning Kid Z's shoes were on the front porch where they are not supposed to be... trust me, I am not anal... but when you have 5 people and 3 dogs living in a house and only one person picking up... it could get a little out of control... and fucking A man I pay the bills here.. I should not also have to carry the cleanup weight. When I questioned Kid Z about the shoes.... he said, "my dad told me to leave them there."
I lost it... blew my stack.... completely did a wire hanger freak out.
The road trip we were going to take for Easter to Lake Powell with the kids... CANCELLED.....
the Easter festivities planned for the weekend...
CANCELLED....
the lax attitude about pitching in and pickin' up after selves...
CANCELLED.
I will not continue to bust my ass and break my wallet to please these kids when they cannot even keep track of their own belongings.....
My enabling behavior....
CANCELLED
We're spending the weekend Spring cleaning...
Merry Easter! April 03 This, that, & the other....Phew... that entry was just too heavy.... I won't have to do that again for a long time.
Just as a prelude....for anyone who may have read Jane's entry on the 31st...I did not read hers until today after I posted this... I'm a little creeped out by the similarities.. I think we must be synched.
My ADD has taken over.... every time I start an entry I get sidetracked and then i lose the mood... I think I have 6 or 7 saved drafts of started and yet unfinished blog entries.
My ADD came to full force this weekend. Kids Y & Z were with "The Hurricane" and I decided to do some Spring cleaning... this is the scenario.
Start rinsing off the dishes in the sink to be put into the dishwasher...
realize that I need a clean dishtowel and I take the wet and dirty one to the laundry...
I realize that the laundry batch has finished and so I put a new load in and carry the dry laundry into the dining room...
while I have the clean load there I may as well fold them...
while I fold them I realize that I hadn't fed the dogs...
I feed the dogs and notice some clumps of dog hair had accumulated on the floor...
I pull out the vacuum to pick up the dog hair...
I get down the hallway with the vacuum...
I realize that the garbage can is full so I carry the garbage out and emtpy...
while I'm here I may as well also empty the recycling bin..
then I remember that I have quite a few empty club soda cans and water bottles in my car to be recycled...
while I am grabbing the recycling items from the car I may as well clean the stray mail from the floor of the car...
I open the mail while I am walking back into the house and notice that there is a bill that needed to be paid..
I get online to pay the cell phone bill...
then I realize I had better check my checking account balance and transfer from savings...
then I remember I was going to look up the recipe for veal scallopini...
I find the recipe but I really should run across the street to the store to see if they even have veal...
I go to the store and find veal....
I may as well stop at the wine store which luckily for me is also across the street...
I need a bottle of marsala wine for the veal...
may as well stock up on vodka while there and grab a bottle of merlot...
as I am walking in the door I notice some dog poop on the lawn and need to pick it up...
as I go in to get the dog poop bags I see that the stove is a little dirty..
I remove the burner grates and place them in the sink with the dirty dishes that I had started out with....
oh I'll get to the dishes as soon as I spray the stovetop with cleaner...
if I have the cleaner out I may as well run into the bathroom and soak the toilet, tub, & sink..
coming back to the kitchen I notice that there is a glass in the bedroom.....
while I am doing the dishes I may as well grab the glass too....
I go around the bed to get the glass but Big D's underwear are on the floor so I pick them up to go to the laundry..
music would be nice so I stop at the iPod and plug the speakers in....
looking for music to listen to that will give me good attitude....
hey, isn't there a new Nine Inch Nails album that would be perfect for cleaning...
load up itunes and check it out...
only a song from their upcoming album but I could load one of my CD's on the iPod...
look for my NIN CD in the drawer and I can't find it...
I head into the living room to look in the other CD drawer....
I notice that the plants need water.....
at the sink I am filling a bottle with water and look at the dirty dishes...
I may as well put the few dishes in the dishwasher...........
after I get the clean dishtowel.
P.S.
I just deposited $100 into savings from the Harlot Fund.... for a grand total of $350 so far... on my way to San Jose... I've been away so long.... can anyone beat that? March 27 Uncle Sam Wants You....And more specifically.... your money. I have spent the past two weeks doing my taxes.... and you'd think I'd learn by keeping things organized throughout the year rather than just throwing receipts into a file cabinet to be sifted through just weeks prior to the tax filing deadline. Did you know that you can deduct alimony paid to an ex..... I wonder if we would also qualify for the hardship deduction that survivors of the hurricanes got.... we have survived the wrath of "The Hurricane" too. Anyway, I digress.... I have to itemize EVERYTHING and even had a receipt for a 1.00 parking charge... I figure those kind of minute details will protect me in the case of an audit which I anticipate any day since my contract work categorizes me as self-employed. To make a long story short, we get a refund... avery nice refund for the first time in my life.
So now to the subject of the serious blog.... every time I would sit down to work on the serious blog I just couldn't bring myself to write. It was a year ago this past week that my ex-husband died... Kid X's dad. His death was sudden and unexpected and was not a result of anything that could be found in the autopsy.... he was ony 37 years old but had abused his body over the years with extreme weight lifting, popping pain pills and steroids and basically thinking he was above the laws of nature when it came to common sense safety. I used to call every crisis a chapter of JD.... I think when he died he was up to Chapter 21. Getting jobs, losing jobs, bad investments, cleaning out my savings account by forging my name, selling my business fax machine for cash..... this list goes on and on. I left him when Kid X was... only 4 months... I suppose it took her birth for me to realize that it wasn't just my security and future that mattered but it was now hers also and I wasn't going to put up with her be subjected to that bullshit.
After I left we had our ups and downs with protective orders and custody battles.... I gave up all claim to any child support for Kid X to have full custody...an agreement to which he agreed. His only obligation was to help provide health care and to pay for half of the child care costs... he couldn't even live up to that order but always had the money to travel and to buy a new Harley but never felt the obligation to provide for his daughter... and that was okay because she was with me, I could provide for her, and he never demanded extra time with her and most of the time didn't even exercise the time he was allowed.
JD met Deb a woman who was the best thing that ever happened to him... I'm not sure I could say the same for her.... he always left a wreckage in his path. When he started dating her he became more interested in his daughter and spent his allocated time with her and even spent a little extra time with her. Deb was great with her and really fostered a healthy relationship with the two.... even if she had to buffer his lack of responsibility and follow through..... I thank God every day that she came into his life to help his to become a good father for the last few years of his life... those will be the years that Kid X will remember.
My ultimate breaking point was when I went to do my 2004 taxes and found out that Jd had not only claimed Kid X as a dependent but also claimed head of household... this was a year that he was having a hard time maintaining employment because of his chronic back pain... but somehow he justified claiming her even though he hadn't paid a dime for her support, clothing, school lunch, medical care, day care... nothing. His filing as head of household would preclude me from claiming day care expenses and all of the deductions even though I had paid for every single thing to support her for the year. When I confronted him he claimed that it was his parental right and didn't even back down... he actually thought he was entitled simply because he was her father. I simply sent the divorce decree to the IRS with the custody papers and he ended up getting audited and the IRS presented him with a bill for $10,000. Any kind of loyalty or past feelings were wiped out with this episode... the dude was a flaming asshole.
The last time I saw JD was at parent teacher conferences for Kid X.... he looked unhealthy... his skin looked gray. He grabbed me and hugged me and said how glad he was that I was Kid X's mom and that he wished that things had been different for us... that he wished we were together. I could barely stomach it... don't touch me, don't talk to me about love, and don't talk about our daughter as if you have been there. I knew something was wrong but I honestly didn' t care.
It was a Sunday morning.... Big D had taken Kid Y and Kid Z camping and Kid X was spending the weekend with her dad.... I would have a full day to myself. I settled down with the fireplace blazing, a Bud Light, and my comfy comforter on the couch with a DVD. The phone rings and I don't answer... too tired.... then I get a feeling that I should see who called and it was JD's number with a message. It was Deb. In a frantic message she said "JD is dead... he's dead... he died in his sleep... you have to come get Kid X before she finds out." My stomach dropped and I lost all consciousness... my adrenaline and flight or flight response took over as I rushed to save my little girl from the most tragic news she could hear in her life. I got to their home just as the grief counselors showed up... she didn't need grief counselors... she was at a friend's house and I picked her up and got the hell out of there.
We got home and she was worried about her dad... she heard the ambulance and knew he wasn't feeling good... that is the reason she was at her friend's house... so she wouldn't disturb him. She asked about him and I had to tell her that I didn't think he was going to get better... and then in a frantic tone she asked.. did he die? I had to tell my little girl that her daddy was dead. She dropped to the floor and screamed and said no, no, no (I'm crying right now writing this... the most painful moment of my life) it's not true.. it's not true. We spent the next few hours just crying and screaming and talking to Grandma.... and just snuggling.
I am so torn. I am not sad for the loss of him... my life is extremely simplified. I have a daughter who a year later is coping but will never be the same... but in the long run will be better off as she will not have a major dissapointment from her dad but an act of nature. I never have to deal with his abuse, with his manipulation, and we now receive social security survivor benefits for my daughter.... the first time iher life that her father truly supports her. And I don't miss him one bit and sometimes I feel really bad about that... then it fades away in a feeling of relief.
March 20 Are you offended....
I am so GD busy so I'll leave you with this tidbit....
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
March 14 Daylight Savings Sucks......Not only have I had a hell of a time getting into my space but we spent the past 5 days at my parents house in the desert and they have spaces blocked on their computer... I suppose the staunch mormons are afraid of the temptation of internet porn and must block any potentially objectionable material before it invades their righteous home.
I really don't have much to say other than yes... I am still alive but this daylight savings time is kicking my ass.... I'm not a morning person to start with but then when I have to get up at 7:30 am and it is really 6:30 am.... I don't adjust very well. I am bitchy bitchy bitchy. I'm tired and I'm gonna go have a little nap before the kids get home from their gymnastics class.
I have a serious blog on the way but don't feel like doing it right now... peace. |
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